I am I in Baby Land USA?
For me Baby Land USA is a region stretching from Eastern Tennessee down to Florida with it’s major hub in the Atlanta area. I realized last night that all five of my friends who have had me stand with them as bridesmaids, have 2-3 children. We used to talk about God, traveling, and relationships. Then we talked about God, traveling, relationships and weddings. Then we talked about God, weddings and houses. Then they just started talking about houses and babies and God. When I come around they ask me about traveling and ca
tch up on the drama of singleton vagabond’s life.
I’ve held the babies. I’ve kissed the babies. I’ve brought them outfits from India. I’ve been glad not to have babies. I buckled in the babies. I’ve carried the babies. And, I’ve cried because all of them have babies, I don’t have a baby, and I like babies (and I had PMS at the time).
I like trying to figure out who the babies look like. One of my friends has two darling babies who look nothing like her…I mean if she didn’t go into detail about the awfulness of having her baby boy vacuumed out of her I would have thought her husband gave birth to the baby. The friend I am about to go have coffee with is a 6ft. beauty queen and her husband is at least 4 in. taller than her, so their baby boy is looks like a 3 year old with a baby head (but of course he’s adorable).
A few years ago one of my closest friends made a comment about how she couldn’t wait until I settled down to a normal life. But, I can’t really imagine having a “normal” Baby Land USA life. If I have children someday I picture my kids looking more like Brad & Angelina’s. But the weird thing is that the “most stylish mom ever,” another good friend, that I hung out with yesterday always thought her kids would be from around the world, and they are blue-eyed nearly bald children. Maybe the others will come later. She never thought she would be Stylish Susie Homemaker. Maybe it’s just a season.Will I have a season like that?
I am starting to get eager to travel a few states north where it does not seem as odd for someone in their mid-late twenties to be unmarried and unbabied.
Dating American 101
Many Americans date and pursue marriage in a poor manner. There have been times in my life when the dating process has seem like a strange set of traditions to observe…they have seemed foreign to me…until I have been face to face with a new set of values and behavior observed in regards to determining who to marry.
High School Senior Formal (Dustin was never my boyfriend--just my date a few times)
Dating in America is something that every kid looks forward to. Usually, for a boy it involves getting up the guts and asking a girl to the movies, mini golf, the mall or a dance. Before and even after one or two such events the boy and girl start talking on the phone and emailing, sending SMS. Sometimes people call this “talking to someone.” After a few more dates or a few more weeks of hanging out, the guy and girl might start calling this “seeing each other” or “dating.” Some one can talk to or see more than one person at a time. They are still not a couple until they have the D.T.R. (a conversation to define the relationship). At this point, one of the parties (traditionally the guy) expresses is feelings by saying something like, “I really like you,” or “I dig you,” or “I’m really into you.” And, if the girl feels the same way, or wants a boyfriend, she will also confess her feelings, they might kiss and from then on they are considered “going out,” “boyfriend and girlfriend,” “a couple.” Most of the time at this point it is agreed that the guy and girl will not “see anyone else” or even “talk to anyone else.” It doesn’t mean that they do not have friends of the opposite sex that they talk to, but it means that while they are going out with each other, they will not enter into other relationships like this one. From this point the couple hangs out a lot, both with other friends and one on one. They get to know each other, they get to know each other’s friends and family. After few months or more into it, if things are going well the boy or girl will get up the guts (once they are very sure) to say “I love you.” People I hang around call it the “L Bomb.” It is a big deal. It means you are serious. It means that (depending on your age), you might be heading toward marriage. But at any point (1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 3 years, or 5 years), the boy or girl might decide to end the relationship—to “break up.” No one likes to break up, but most people experience it. And, breaking up is by far better than divorce. If the youth of India want to adapt dating…as a means to love marriages the “break up” is essential.
From what I understand about arranged marriage the families to the hard work of finding out if this guy or girl is really the best for you. They think about family, education, religion, career, and hopefully if this other person would do a good job of loving and taking care of you. In many more modern families in cities, the boy and girl then meet and if they are agree then the marriage is “fixed.” It is a good system if you have a great family.
Dating is essentially a different route to trying to figure out if the boy or girl in front of you is the right person for you to marry. Instead of basing the evidence of whether or not this person is right for you on a CV, photo, and information about a person in dating the evidence can only be build up over time, through experience with a person. If my parents do not want me to marry I person I choose to date, it will be not because of information about him but because of experience with him. So, a good first impression is key (Think “Meet the Parents”). Dating must begin with both the boy and the girl being interested in one another, but both the boy and the girl must be unsure of the extent of his and her own feelings. Many counselors suggest that a couple date for a year—go through all four seasons together before deciding to get married. If they last that long, then it might be time to consider marriage but not before. If the couple is not very compatible (if they do not get along), if the girl and guy bring each other down, or are not going the same direction, then the best thing for them is to break up.
A Marriage Proposal
Wednesday night I went to homegroup at my friends’ Tenu and Julie place. It’s a group of 6-10 young people mostly from the Northeast that crowd into a simple little room on the fourth floor of a concrete building. We sit on a plastic coated straw mat that covers marble floors. The walls are concreate covered in peeling pink paint. The bathroom is common for four flats and there is a closet-size kitchen off of the florestent tube lit room–just to give you a picture.
This week Tenu and Julie invited their landlady because she wanted us to pray for her. When she came in I was in the middle of sharing and she kept saying something to Tenu in Hindi and Tenu was telling her to wait until after. Then as soon as the group ended and we prayed for her this Auntie told me she thought I was very beautiful (I happened to be wearing a red punjabi suit–the traditional Delhi attire). I thanked her–but she continued. I wasn’t sure what she was saying something about marrying her son. I understand a little less Hindi then my other friends there, so they said, “Do you know what she is saying? She is saying ‘why didn’t you tell me about this one, if I knew her six months back she could have married my son.” I smiled, knowing this was a mother’s highest compliment . But she didn’t stop there, she said that her Baho (daughter-in-law) was causing many problems and if I agreed on this offer she would run that girl off and I could marry her son. The household recieves Rs. 80,000 income a month from rented rooms and I wouldn’t have to do anything except cook dinner and wash dishes. My friends were dying laughing but this lady was serious. They kept saying, “Do you know what she is saying?” In India a proposal from a mother is more serious than a proposal from a young man.
Shadi Season: a time of weddings
I spent the enire “Thanksgiving” weekend celebrating marriages. Friday night my friend Raman got married. It was a nice wedding followed by a fabulous reception. The banquet hall was beautiful, the girls in Saris and Punjabi suits were lovely and the handsome Indian men were charming on the dance floor. There was a live Hindi band, then there was a DJ. It turns out that Shakira is an international favorite on the dance floor.
Although I must say that it is a shame in my book that Christian Indian men tend to wear western style suits instead of the traditional kurta-pajama. I have never really liked black suits that much. Men in suits might look sharp, but most of the time they look uptight and uncomfortable. Kurtas are usually soft cotton or wool or silk and are usually baige or a rich color. I’m a sucker for that kind of thing. And, although I am an American girl who has dreamed since childhood of being married in a white gown seeing an Indian bride in white also looks out of place to me. While Hindus wear bright colors for marriage Christians have adopted the wests wedding traditions. It’s sad to me that Christian has been so closely associated with western. Sunday night I went to another reception for the same marriage (this reception thrown by the groom’s family) and I was relieved to find the bride in a beautiful red and gold sari.
Love (at first sight) Marriages
Love marriages as opposed to arranged marriages are becoming popular among the young people of India. Just last week I was in a rural part of South India and guest lectured at an English language Institute, and one class was in the middle of a debate over lover marriage vs. arranged marriage. Most of the class (males) sat on the side of love marriage and all but two of the females of the class sat on the arranged marriage side. They wanted to know what I thought… What could I say? I couldn’t pretend to be a proponant of arranged marriage. While the idea seems wise and even sometimes romantic for others, the idea of my parents chosing my ‘partner’ for me, even givin my approal in the match, sends creepy chills up my spine. It goes against so much in our culture and my own personality. I gracefully said there were merrits of both ways, but when they pressed me I said I would go for a love marriage. The boys cheered! I said, “It’s just not our tradition to have arranged marriage.”
But the problem with Indians going for “love” marriages more and more, is that it is often love (at first sight) marriage. Couples see each other and our infatuated, and given thier newly found independence from the traditions of thier parents propose to one another. Just last week I met a couple who was married last month with the approval of the girl’s family, but without even the knowledge of the boy’s family. See, he is still a student so the parents would not have approved. Plus they are from different states. They met thee months ago.
Check out this story about Sweety Tater, a rich 20 year-old who ran off and got married afer she met Rajesh Shaw. The parents are after the guy and kidnapped thier daughter and imprisioned her in their house. Now, I know the parents sound evil, and perhaps they are. But, maybe the girl isn’t so smart either. She is 20. She barely knew the guy and she ran off to marry him. I have heard and witnessed many stories of true love marriages. Couples who have been friends and dating for a long time, finally gain their parents approval and marry. But most often it seems like it is love (at first sight) marriaf
To Date (the American way) or Not To Date (the Indian way)?
Just a few weeks ago I ate dinner with an American guy at a hip restaurant in Delhi called Hookah. Mid-meal, he proposed a toast to our agreement that “dating sucks.” I raised my glass. But we were on a date. One on one, we were out getting to know each other. I like going on dates. The drawn-out purposeless hanging-out that American dating has evolved into annoys me. Dating seems like a waste of time to me.
At the same time, the typical Indian guy is way too serious too fast. I knew a red-head that stayed in Chennai, India for a while. She received proposals monthly–Marriage proposals. Not toast proposals. Sometimes from perfect strangers. My facial expressions of disinterest generally prevent guys I’m not interested in from going that far, but still.
If the American way is to get to know each other and if we get along then maybe we’ll see (about marriage). Then the Indian way to get married and get to know each other (and then we’ll see). Yet America has a higher divorce rate, I don’t get it. Neither culture prepares young people for marriage very well. Here in India, they often don’t even know each other. Sometimes they know very little about relating to the opposite sex. In the U.S. we know way too much.
